Dear mom,

#1: Thanks for believing that I’m a genius. It hasn’t been easy convincing everyone else of this fact, but I know if I’ve reached at least one person, my mission has been a success.

#2: Thanks for feeding me a vegetarian diet of all organic food with no added sugar or preservatives. I know this seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but because of getting made fun of by my peers, my self esteem suffered greatly growing up even though my body was as healthy as humanly possible.

#3: (This one relates to #2) Thanks for teaching me that if someone makes fun of you, you don’t need them as a friend anyway. Sure they had burgers and cokes and candy, and bacon, but they didn’t have the social graces needed to build and maintain real friendships in spite of someone’s differences. (Granted they were 12 years old, but I like to pretend they never learned any better).

#4: Thanks for homeschooling me 4th grade through 12th grade. Getting to spend that extra time with you and Ayla (Our Dog) every day was invaluable. I learned the importance of animal care and getting up at 6am every morning to go to my own living room prepared me for a life of irony and self motivation.

#5: Thanks for putting me in acting classes at the tender age of 7. I learned  that having an overactive imagination isn’t always a bad thing and that pretending to be someone else could get you into a lot of trouble in the wrong circumstances and also bring you riches and glory under the right ones.

#6: Thanks for teaching me the law of Karma (what you hand out, comes back to you). I still haven’t mastered this one yet. but when I do, I’ll travel the land like Kane in the television show Kung-Fu, solving people’s problems and being a bad ass in general. Or maybe I’ll just get high and listen to some Ravi Shankar.

#7: Thanks for putting me in Piano Classes at the age of 7. I learned that I hate practicing but that I should do it regardless since you paid good money for me to learn piano. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in life. It’s part of being an adult. (Did I mention I was 7?).

#8: Thanks for sticking it out with dad. I know it wasn’t easy. He’s really hard to get along with even today. I learned that sometimes mommy and daddy fight, and sometimes mommy gets really mad at daddy and won’t let him watch the TV shows he wants to watch and daddy will get mad and go have a drink in the garage by himself. Now that I’m married, I’m getting a keg installed in my own garage because I know that it’s important to keeping a marriage alive.

#9: Thanks for sending me to college at the age of 16. I really learned a lot and I tried to do the best I could. Sometimes people would ask me “Are you like Doogie Howser or something?”. And I would reply “I’m a fucking genius. You don’t believe me? Ask my mom”. I learned that sometimes people go to junior college to better their career or trade craft. But most of the time they go for the experience. I went because you said I had to either get a job or go to school.

#10: Thanks for letting me be me and helping me to be the best I can be. You may say to yourself: “There’s a lot of “me” in that statement. I thought this was about your mom.”. Truth is, without my mom, there would be no me and regardless of how awesome or shitty your mom was/is to you, she made it possible for you to experience this crazy thing called life and for that you should be grateful. My mom is selfless, passionate, loving, understanding, beautiful, and wise. I wouldn’t trade her for anyone else’s mom.

Yeah it’s an Olan Mills Photo….suck it.

Happy Mother’s Day

CC 

I’ll be at Addison Improv with the hilarious Nick Guerra on Thursday Feb 21st at 8pm! You may have seen Nick on Comedy Central’s Stand Up Revolution. If you didn’t, don’t miss this opportunity to see him live. He’s one of the most funny and enjoyable comics I know. 

You can get tickets at www.improv.com and over the phone at 972-404-8501 or at the door. Please use the promo code “HAHA” to get 5 dollar tickets.

Doors are at 730 and show starts at 8pm.

Hope to see you there!

I’m at Dallas Hyenas all weekend with the hilarious Aaron Aryanpur! Get tickets at http://www.hyenascomedynightclub.com/dallas.html

As always, Thursday’s show is a free show so you have no excuse not to come out and have a drink and a laugh!

Getting pulled over for speeding in the ghetto is like giving someone a ticket for putting their trash out too early…next door to a crack house. We have meth heads walking the streets, graffiti, gunshots, and roaming packs of wild pitbulls. The cop told me that someone complained in a city council meeting of people speeding on this particular street. I think they misunderstood. The complaint should have been people selling SPEED on this particular street. My neighborhood is so shitty, when I leave the house for a walk, the ghost of Richard Dawson pops out of the bushes and yells “IT’S TIME TO START RUNNING!!”. 

The older I get and the longer I spend away from my parents, the stranger they have become. The last few times I came over for dinner, I noticed they have started chewing with their mouths open and talking with their mouths full. I feel like we should be in a cave and they should have animal skins on. Like a living caveman exhibit in the Natural History Museum. I’ve started suggesting we eat in the back yard by firelight because then at least their behavior would have some context. I announced my disgust to my dad at the table last time I was over and he replied “When I chew with my mouth open, it makes my food taste better”. “Yeah well it’s making my food taste like vomit” I replied. Then my mom chimes in with her mouth full of food, “We’re getting old, we just don’t care anymore.” “You’re in your mid 60’s guys, I think it might be a little early to start throwing in the social towel.” I replied.

My parents think that aliens are going to come and beam them up just in time to escape the impending apocalypse. I think that’s why they’re giving up and chewing with their mouths open. I find this concept pretty intruiging. My first question is: why would the aliens pick you two quitters to beam up to the mothership? You think they want to fly 4 million lightyears back to their home planet with you two in the galley talkin with your mouths full and chewing with your mouths open? If anything, the aliens would get to dinner time, watch my parents start eating and then kick them out the airlock for being defective. “These two humans dont know how to use their mouths properly at their age. Yes, obviously some form of mental retardation. Zygor, show them to the “escape pod”.”

So a friend of mine got glasses recently. Being a glasses wearer myself, I was happy for him at first. Then i found out they’re not real. They’re fashion glasses.
He wears them because he thinks they make him look smarter. Personally I think the fashion statement he’s making is “oxymoron”. No matter how smart people think you look, the moment they figure out that you wear fake glasses, is the moment they think you’re dumber than you ever could have been without glasses in the first place.
Wearing fake glasses around someone who wears real glasses is like using a wheelchair right next to someone who has to be in one…only every once in a while you get up to stretch your legs, look over and say “man, I don’t know how you do it.”. 

Sometimes I envision my friend and some other poor soul being stuck on a desert island and trying to start a fire with his fake glasses. There’d be a brief but vicious scuffle followed by a shouting match… “How smart do you look now!?! In the dark, YOU IDIOT!!” Then they would just sit across from each other in disgust. 

Sometimes I hide them from him and when he asks me where they are I just say “Uh…I dunno dude, why don’t you use your perfect 20/20 vision and LOOK around for them”. 

Sometimes he hides my glasses to get back at me, but IT’S NOT THE SAME THING! Despite how smart he looks with his fake glasses, what he doesn’t understand is, I could be stuck at home for conceivably the rest of my life if I didn’t have my glasses.

Sometimes I wonder if homeless people are people who misplaced their glasses and made the mistake of leaving the house to look for them. 5 years later some poor guy finds a pair on the ground and gets his life back. He takes a look around and realizes “Ohhhh man I’m only 4 streets over!!” He gets home and his wife’s like “So you finally found your glasses?” He’s replies “YOU KNEW?!” She says “Of course I knew you idiot. Who do you think has been giving you change this whole time.”

I’ll be opening for the hilarious Jason Russell at Hyena’s Comedy Club in Dallas all weekend 6/7 - 6/9.

http://www.hyenascomedynightclub.com/

Thursday shows are always FREE, so you have no excuses. Come out and see me and my good friend Raj Sharma.

Thursday Shows
Doors open 7:30 / Showtime 8:30 

Friday Shows
Doors open 7:30 / Showtime 8:30 
Doors open 9:00 / Showtime 10:30 

Saturday Shows
Doors open 7:00 / Showtime 8:00 
Doors open 9:00 / Showtime 10:30

So my wife and I moved to Oak Cliff about two years ago and we’re dealing with a new social phenomenon that we’ve never had to deal with before.

Meth Heads.

It’s a man and a woman team. They’re pretty much the bizzaro us. Basically, they’re like us if we didn’t have jobs and teeth. They’re such an eyesore. We bought this great house right across the street from a green belt, so we don’t have anyone living across from us. But now we have a two-person parade of human trash that is perpetually walking back and forth throughout the day. The worst part is that they steal things from people in the neighborhood and try to resell them to other people in the neighborhood. Which puts me in a really awkward position. I have to buy whatever they’re selling to keep them from getting pissed off at me and burning my house down. The other day they walked up to me on my porch and sold me a Pogo Stick. Have you ever seen a Meth Head demo a Pogo Stick? They don’t even wait for gravity to do it’s thing. They jump up and force it down really fast over and over again. It’s like watching a giant sewing needle stitch a line of shame across your front yard. Now I own a stolen Pogo Stick and someone’s small stone lion statue. I’m just waiting for one of my neighbors to walk by and be like “Hey that’s my stone lion statue off my porch. What the hell dude!?” Then I have to explain to them why I have their stuff. “The Meth Heads made me buy it!” Then they’d ask “Wait a minute, are you missing a Slip N’ Slide?” And I’d say “No, but I am missing a potted Aloe Vera and a pair of flip flops. The only way to solve this problem is for everyone to have a garage sale and we’ll just make the rounds and buy the stuff back from each other. Kind of like a neighborhood swap meet. 

I’ve realized that when you’re married or in any relationship with a woman, it’s not enough for you to do things you don’t want to do.  You have to want to do things you don’t want to do.  For example, it’s not enough for me to yell at my wife from the couch “do you need help with the groceries?”.  I have to be waiting at the door as soon as her car pulls up, then scamper outside and unload the car with a mongoloid smile on my face.  Sometimes I think if she could have her way, I would be waiting at the end of the driveway in a bellhop’s outfit.  She would then just pull up to the curb, toss me the keys and trapse straight inside, all while having a rousing conversation with one of her girlfriends about the latest episode of “Girls”.  I of course would have to give her the customary greeting due the Queen of Homewood Place despite being ignored.  ”Good day you Grace! May I please have the honor of parking your Altima and unloading it’s contents forthwith?”.  Anything less would earn me a withering glare and a snide remark in an icy tone, “Never mind, I’ll just do it myself.”.  Perhaps followed by a robust helping to the coldest of shoulders for the rest of the day, or until I make satisfactory amends.