#1: Thanks for believing that I’m a genius. It hasn’t been easy convincing everyone else of this fact, but I know if I’ve reached at least one person, my mission has been a success.
#2: Thanks for feeding me a vegetarian diet of all organic food with no added sugar or preservatives. I know this seemed like the right thing to do at the time, but because of getting made fun of by my peers, my self esteem suffered greatly growing up even though my body was as healthy as humanly possible.
#3: (This one relates to #2) Thanks for teaching me that if someone makes fun of you, you don’t need them as a friend anyway. Sure they had burgers and cokes and candy, and bacon, but they didn’t have the social graces needed to build and maintain real friendships in spite of someone’s differences. (Granted they were 12 years old, but I like to pretend they never learned any better).
#4: Thanks for homeschooling me 4th grade through 12th grade. Getting to spend that extra time with you and Ayla (Our Dog) every day was invaluable. I learned the importance of animal care and getting up at 6am every morning to go to my own living room prepared me for a life of irony and self motivation.
#5: Thanks for putting me in acting classes at the tender age of 7. I learned that having an overactive imagination isn’t always a bad thing and that pretending to be someone else could get you into a lot of trouble in the wrong circumstances and also bring you riches and glory under the right ones.
#6: Thanks for teaching me the law of Karma (what you hand out, comes back to you). I still haven’t mastered this one yet. but when I do, I’ll travel the land like Kane in the television show Kung-Fu, solving people’s problems and being a bad ass in general. Or maybe I’ll just get high and listen to some Ravi Shankar.
#7: Thanks for putting me in Piano Classes at the age of 7. I learned that I hate practicing but that I should do it regardless since you paid good money for me to learn piano. Sometimes you have to do things you don’t want to do in life. It’s part of being an adult. (Did I mention I was 7?).
#8: Thanks for sticking it out with dad. I know it wasn’t easy. He’s really hard to get along with even today. I learned that sometimes mommy and daddy fight, and sometimes mommy gets really mad at daddy and won’t let him watch the TV shows he wants to watch and daddy will get mad and go have a drink in the garage by himself. Now that I’m married, I’m getting a keg installed in my own garage because I know that it’s important to keeping a marriage alive.
#9: Thanks for sending me to college at the age of 16. I really learned a lot and I tried to do the best I could. Sometimes people would ask me “Are you like Doogie Howser or something?”. And I would reply “I’m a fucking genius. You don’t believe me? Ask my mom”. I learned that sometimes people go to junior college to better their career or trade craft. But most of the time they go for the experience. I went because you said I had to either get a job or go to school.
#10: Thanks for letting me be me and helping me to be the best I can be. You may say to yourself: “There’s a lot of “me” in that statement. I thought this was about your mom.”. Truth is, without my mom, there would be no me and regardless of how awesome or shitty your mom was/is to you, she made it possible for you to experience this crazy thing called life and for that you should be grateful. My mom is selfless, passionate, loving, understanding, beautiful, and wise. I wouldn’t trade her for anyone else’s mom.
Yeah it’s an Olan Mills Photo….suck it.
Happy Mother’s Day